I was fully intending on doing a post about my personal relationship with my body as a trans woman inspired by the great post here by gudbuytjane . Instead, I have to deliver some news to my readers:
**Misgendering Trigger below – I’m leaving the article as is to show how even the most “progressive” city in Texas is shit-wrong in covering trans murders
I know, I have been absent from the Internet (mostly) for the past month. A combination of huge piles of work, Christmas gifts to buy, a break-up to get over, and generally tired of dealing with the terminal stupid of cis people on the Internet wrt trans stuff. I also realized that I was spending way more time online than going out and hanging with my friends.
I have been keeping up on things, but growing increasingly tired of just getting angry and venting. I used to actually – you know – DO THINGS that I thought made a positive impact in the world. Volunteering for GLBT youth programs, Doing security at women’s health clinics, staffing phone banks for anyone who needed my time. I probably did way to much actually, since I burned out a couple years ago and the idea of putting myself “out there” like that doesn’t seem much fun. There is a story there for another day – suffice to say that “progressive” does NOT mean trans-friendly.
Anyone who frequents places where chasers hang out will see this question asked over, and over, and over, and over, and over…
“Am I gay?”
My quick and dirty answer is:
“Why does it matter?”
Lately, the fact that I look the way I do has become a dating nightmare. Now, I don’t want this to come off as a “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful” type of post. Seriously, I’m not THAT vain – nor do I put that much stock in my looks. But, I DO get attention from men and women who don’t know or don’t date trans-women. I also get LOTS of attention from guys who do “date” girls like me. Particularly on the Internet sites I frequent.
The fact I’m comfortable and open about my status severely limits my ability to date. I have gone to straight clubs and have had guys trying to pick me up. My need for honesty compels me to disclose my status, not on the second or third date – but at “May I buy you a drink?” A couple near ass-whuppings later, and I don’t go out without an escort who can and will help me defend myself. Because I’m not comfortable putting someone I like at risk, I just don’t go out.
I am still alive and kicking. Work is really busy as we are moving a couple huge clients to our service on very short notice. Part of my job has become investigating the new clients to get a feel on how their business will impact my company. That, and our new head of marketing will be looking at my reports for November (spent all day going over them and completing them). Add to that my normal duties and a general increase in business for the season and I’m plain tuckered when I get home.
I do have some posts I’m working on, so soon I’ll have new content. Thinking more on gender, stuff about guys, and other assorted nonsense.
It is also World AIDS Day today. Please play safe and learn about HIV and educate those close to you. Being a trans woman, I know people who are living with HIV and people who have passed away from complications. In the West, HIV is not the death sentence it used to be for most people. (However, economics and race are still amazing factors when looking at the face of the disease.) Still, HIV is ravaging Africa, Asia, and South America. Do your part!
The topic of violence has come up lately far to often. Every time it comes up, I think about this. Given my recent conversation with Mr. Gallon, I think that this is the proper time to disclose the tale of my first instance of intimate partner violence. This took me hours to write and process and in the end I feel like shit. Partly because I lived it and it hurts to remember. Partly because I didn’t pressure the police to investigate the case, and just let it go. For all I know this guy – whose real name I’ll never know – could be doing to other women what he did to me. particularly trans women.
I mention that he was a member to a few trans porn sites because Mr. Gallon is under the impression that trans women are killed, beat, raped by men who don’t know about trans women (and wouldn’t be members of a trans porn site) . The thought is that it is pimps and other trans women and guys who don’t know that the gals are trans who do the killing. The last, I take as particularly false and repeating this only lends validity to the often successful trans panic defense. Below the fold is potentially triggering violence
Last Year Monica Robers asked a very good question “Does The Transgender Porn World Celebrate The TDOR?” At the time I poked around and didn’t see any evidence that they did. While I know that some individuals within the industry do observe this day, I didn’t know if the industry itself did – officially. This year I have better access to and knowledge of the trans porn industry, so I kept an eye out.
I want to acknowledge that the one site that I post to regularly, DID have a post on their blog, and a few topics on the forums (and I didn’t even have to start them). Please note this IS A PORN SITE – NOT WORK SAFE! TRIGGERING LANGUAGE AND IMAGES. I’ll reprint the text below in case you don’t want to follow the link:
I know earlier I said I wouldn’t post a new article because I like the way the comments on my gender topic are going. Well, some things are just more important and immediate. Story here :
On November 14 the body of a gay 19 year old was found a few miles away from the town in which he was residing in called Caguas. He was a very well known person in the gay community of Puerto Rico, and very loved. He was found on the site of an isolated road in the city of Cayey, he was partially burned, decapitated, and dismembered, both arms, both legs, and the torso.
Yes… He was found partially burned, his arms and legs and his fucking HEAD were removed.
The suspect has been caught and has confessed”
I want to discuss gender. I want to discuss this from a place of questioning and experience, rather than a place of oppression and theory. While both theory and oppression are important to the discussion of gender, too often gendered experiences are dismissed (particularly when he experience comes from a trans person). Before I can properly discuss “gender” I have to define what I mean as “gender”, because there really isn’t a consensus. Language fails us here.
One thing I’d like to talk about are some of my earliest understandings. It is important to understand how children learn about the world. Children learn through instruction, but mostly it is through observation. Most children will pay close attention to adults who closely match their sex. Boy children will learn how to be a man by watching the men in their life – thus you have generational abusers who may have been instructed not to hit women, but observed men hitting women.
I’ve gone on lately about trans-related things. While I think that’s important, I have so much more happening in my life. I’m quite sure that many of the lurkers here will be surprised that I don’t actually spend my weekends alternately being hyper-sexed and being angry over the state of trans women.
This past weekend guess what i did with my free time? I played Diablo 2 – yup it’s old, it’s simple, it’s a classic. It boils a game into the two thing I like to do:
I got a tip from a friend to get Torchlight today, so I might. If I do I’ll post a review. Or I may just get obsessed with a new game and disappear. (likely)
I have been playing Champions Online. It’s alright – but didn’t hold my interest. Partly because there was some issue with the game and my PC. There was serious lag that, while not unplayable, it was not enjoyable. Nothing like turning, lagging, over compensating, and finding yourself facing the opposite direction. Also, the content got pretty old, as the game is easy to get through. Replayability, quite minimal – exact same quests, loot choices, areas.
On the upside, it had SA-WEET character customization (Ala CoH/V). The ability to create your own “Nemesis”. Power customization that lets you pick any power in any combination. The good definitely outweighed the bad – as long as I was able to play. But once the luster wore off, and the game became more of a chore (due to lag after an update), I just haven’t been compelled to revisit it.
A small visit into my nerdly life
Just another opinionated, geeky, comic reading, video game playing tranny.
