Sex and the Single Trans Woman


I am a member of, and frequent poster on a forum for guys who are interested in trans women.  It is a porn site, as most (all?) of those places are. I went there to get a better understanding of guys who like gals like me. I started answering questions and addressing issues from the perspective of  a trans woman. In one discussion, as is want to happen, the conversation got very heavily focused on genitalia. I made the comment “My penis is about as sexual for me as my big toe.” That comment spawned a new thread about specific body parts. Below is a rather frank discussion of sexuality from my personal perspective. This is a rather frank (but not explicit) discussion of chaser fantasy and my personal reality in the bedroom. This could be triggering – fair warning!

One poster commented “Any part of the body can be sexual, if you treat it right”. To which I replied:

Absolutely!

Here is my observation as far as guys with Trans* women go. For men, generally, the whole of the sexual act is all about what happens to the penis. It is understood that when two guys discuss sex ultimately they are discussing what happened to their penis (perhaps some attention is given to what diversions happened on the way to the penis). When hetero women discuss sex, it’s often a discussion of what happened to their partner’s penis.

It seems logical that being with a trans woman who has a penis that the sex would ultimately be about her penis as well as the guy’s. Why then is it so problematic for so many trans women? You will obviously find trans women who enjoy, or don’t mind, having it stimulated. You will also find trans women who feel (seriously) violated with the act. It goes into the very heart of what makes us trans women.

I can only give my own personal account, and other gals will likely have different experiences and conclusions. To me, transitioning was not about clothes, make-up, being “treated like a girl”, or taking on any sort of role. It was a very real sense that my body was not my own. As I developed sexually as a person, I gravitated to the parts of me that were comfortable. My penis was not one of those parts. For all the trying and performing I have done to please past partners, it is (sensually) pretty dead. It is rather like dating someone who has a foot fetish (since I don’t share that particular kink). I may let them lick/suck my nicely pedicured toes and go get a polish they like and let them indulge… but really, I’m not getting much out of it. They are simply licking my big toe.

I can pretend and squeal and moan and even get excited if they are REALLY persistent. However, the whole time I’m wondering when they will actually realize that MY WHOLE BODY is sexual, and many parts are WAY more erotically charged than my cock, or my toe for that matter.

So, while I’m not pained, and I don’t feel like the possession of a cock makes me less of a woman, nor do I feel that even catching a glimpse of it is a violation (not to belittle anyone who feels that way). I’m also not rushing on a date in the hopes that a guy is gunna want to gobble it down. It is simply one of many parts of my body that can be kissed, licked, fucked, teased, coaxed, rubbed, fondled and enjoyed. But it is also something that is very complicated for me and some days it really is “no man’s land”.

REPLY FROM A GUY:

“Not to put you or anyone on the spot, but if gay men want masculine men, straight men want feminine women, t-girl admirers are attracted to hard cocks on feminine forms for the most part, and most of the t-girls (not TV’s) on this site are conflicted over what’s between their legs–albeit in different degrees–

what a does one do w/ limitations on a limited situation to begin with? I mean this is the corner of the corner! As difficult as mating is in the best of circumstances, this is sanity threatening!

I do realize that no one probably has a solution.

Wouldn’t the guy most interested in a t-girl be into her surprise, having no or no more children, and be in the mood for bedroom-type activities?

ME:

That, my sweet, is the burning question isn’t it? Sex should be uncomplicated and mutually pleasurable – right? For me (and from what I hear from women in general) that isn’t always the case.

“Wouldn’t the guy most interested in a t-girl be into her surprise, having no or no more children, and be in the mood for bedroom-type activities.”

1) Seems to be the case mostly
2) Yes and no.. and children (and guys wanting them) is a whole other topic
3) Yes, but one would hope there would be more happening – but I get your point.

It is clear that for the majority of guys it is the physical stuff that makes us desirable. Guys could have a cock on a man or a woman with a vagina… but in us he gets cock and a woman. As objectifying as that is, and not even getting into how that ultimately hurts trans women, it is the cold harsh reality of this desire.

Idealistically, I want our strength, determination, and force of will to be what makes us attractive. But, I like a few specific features on guys and sometimes I don’t care how well he can do maths in his head (or whatever). So I can hardly expect guys I date to be less carnal in their motivations than I am myself.

On planet porno all Trannys love having their cock played with, are sexually available to any and all men/women/trans* – then again, this is the place where Ron Jeremy can still get laid easily. In real life, sex is always going to be about negotiation. We agree or comply with what is happening with our bodies. If we do not agree or comply, sex stops or changes focus (anything else becomes messy and illegal and pretty shitty).

So what to do with sex and the single trans*?

The best thing for a guy who seriously wants to BE with one of us is to understand that our idea of good sex is not always going to be the same as yours. Much like one would expect on any date with any person. I “get” that it’s the cock y’all ultimately wanna see, and frankly, it’s better that way then having a guy be so freaked by it he doesn’t even want accidental contact with/visuals of it.

My advice to guys is be respectful with what your partner wants/needs sexually. Take her non-verbal cues on how/where to pleasure her body – just like she is doing with you. If cock-play is the end-all of your attraction, politely discuss this beforehand. She’ll know (or more likely have it confirmed) what you want and will be able to decide if she’s willing to go out.

Remember also, for many of us the cock isn’t always a huge no-no spot. It’s just tiresome when EVERY PART OF MY BODY IS CAPABLE OF PLEASURE .. and my partner wants to focus on that same part the last guy did.. and him before that.. and and and… except that one guy who thought he wanted it, but really didn’t, and then freaked out and ran away. Sex should be simple and fun. But for trans women it is a series of complicated issues that will vary from woman to woman and even encounter to encounter.

** EDIT to add that this conversation happened on transladyboy (dot) com. I can’t link directly there, but think it’s important to state my sources. Please note it IS a porn site, and there is much objectification and problematic language there. However, the mods are quite good about correcting ungendering and banning asshats (for the right reasons – not “gay panic”).

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~ by laughriotgirl on October 8, 2009.

6 Responses to “Sex and the Single Trans Woman”

  1. this is a really awesome post.

  2. Really really good analysis. I’m rather pleased that a lot of these folks are actually taking the time to figure out what folk like us need and want and what we can’t handle.

    That kind of thing says to me that its possible for someone to have that attraction and not just objectify the shit out of us. Something I believed to be true but had yet to find proof of, as all the folks attracted to pre op or non op womenfolk that I’ve met have been objectifying, oversexualizing jerks.

  3. I’m really glad you both liked this. I was very nervous about posting it for some reason.

    • The whole gatekeeper bullshit and especially the autogynephilia debacle make it really hard to feel comfortable talking about sexuality, sexual attraction and sex. And the way we have sex, what we enjoy, what we do and what we have done to us are often used as methods of ungendering by even those within our own community.

      Sex is such a charged, nasty and weaponized topic in trans discourse that I can completely understand feeling nervous about posting it. I know when I post about sex stuff, I expect half the community to descend on my head and ungender me for it, so I feel your pain there.

  4. I could say a lot.. I feel like the perspectives of trans women who seek male partners are kind of pushed out in trans discourse.. complicated because I feel like sexuality ends up being a red herring for for class/race/age/education disparities (you see this throughout BBL theory, for example).. so yeah, I really enjoy the stuff you write about Dating While Trans.

  5. Betsy and GB –

    Absolutely! Sex is another of those double-binds that trans women have to navigate. We are hypersexualized by cis men and women in porn. The people providing care, however, want us to be sexless pre-transition, and use sexuality to filter out “the wrong” types.

    We can only exist in two forms that must never ever cross. We have our own Madonna/Whore dichotomy. Like all things trans, it is supplied by cis people on trans bodies. And yes, being sexual pre-transition will get you ungendered by some within the community.

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