That Look

You meet a guy and decide to go on a date. He says he has always wanted to date a T-girl. You have a good time and one thing leads to another. You decide to “give it up”. The sex is decent, or mind-blowing, or kinda cruddy as sex can be any combination of those things. You settle in for a little sleep next to the guy who you think you like or at the very least don’t mind spending time with.

Instead, he gets out of bed. He pulls on his cloths. He is silent. The conversations you were enjoying not that long ago – forgotten. His eyes stare down at the floor as he buttons his shirt – the same eyes that couldn’t stop looking you over mere moments ago. You sit up or move to see him more clearly as he jerks his head around to look at you. He gives you a look. It is a look that most trans women know very well. He is processing and questioning – even if he “knew” he REALLY wanted to “try it” – had been thinking about it for, like ever. All that certainty melts away leaving his cold eyes to stare at you. Perhaps secretly blaming you.

The look is sad and introspective. The look is also angry and demanding. The look is full of questions and accusations. For him, his life has changed. He may work through it and move on. Maybe even seriously date you (or another trans woman). For me, this moment is fear. That look can mean lots of pain, both physical and emotional. At some level I accept the blame leveled at me by those eyes. I assume some responsibility for whatever confusion/hurt/anger he is feeling.

To know that enjoying my body can cause this to happen, makes me withdraw. To know that this look contains the capacity to yet again do me violence, makes me want to run. To know that this look means that I very likely will never speak to a man I was comfortable enough with to be sexual as well as naked hurts me. A look, a glance from across a room. A two minute span of time that sums up so many of the men I and my friends have had in our lives.


~ by laughriotgirl on October 19, 2009.

9 Responses to “That Look”

  1. *just hugs* This is why I don’t date men ever. I’m sorry hon. *hugs again*

  2. My heart aches for any woman that this happens to. It is outrageous that a guy would even do this. No one should “experiment.” Feelings are hurt and hearts are too easily broken.

    I can understand your fear. The risk of physical injury is all too real for transwomen. I can also understand the emotional pain that you would feel. It is a betrayal for someone to pretend to like you and then he bails out right after he got what he wanted.

    I don’t understand why you would even consider accepting any blame or responsibility for what happened. None of this is your fault. You were completely honest with who you are. You even had feelings for him. The fault lies with the guy and with him only.

    • Jim,

      I know it isn’t my fault exactly, but the implied blame that goes along with this is intense. It’s hard not to take some of that on. After all, had he not been with me, he wouldn’t find himself in this position.

  3. I know that look and hate it. You don’t even have to have sex. There is a look straight guys who are attracted to you physically but know you’re trans have too. That’s why I don’t date guys who have never been with a transwoman before. It helps.

    • Gwen,

      You are right, sex doesn’t really have to be involved, it just makes it so much more intense. While, I don’t have first-hand experience, I have been told that the same situation also can apply just as well to cis women.

      I also don’t want to totally lump all guys who have never been with a trans woman in one monolithic group, because even “vets” can have this same attraction/guilt thing going on. While on the other hand, every great guy starts somewhere.

      However, this does tend to happen mostly with guys “exploring” and I am very reluctant to date “first timers” for this reason.

  4. This is an emptiness like no other.
    It is like a deep well that has no echo.

  5. hmmmm…

    LRG — remind me of this post tomorrow please 😀

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