A Little Whine – Cheese to Follow
Lately, the fact that I look the way I do has become a dating nightmare. Now, I don’t want this to come off as a “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful” type of post. Seriously, I’m not THAT vain – nor do I put that much stock in my looks. But, I DO get attention from men and women who don’t know or don’t date trans-women. I also get LOTS of attention from guys who do “date” girls like me. Particularly on the Internet sites I frequent.
The fact I’m comfortable and open about my status severely limits my ability to date. I have gone to straight clubs and have had guys trying to pick me up. My need for honesty compels me to disclose my status, not on the second or third date – but at “May I buy you a drink?” A couple near ass-whuppings later, and I don’t go out without an escort who can and will help me defend myself. Because I’m not comfortable putting someone I like at risk, I just don’t go out.
Online affords me the ability to meet guys and not have to disclose anything about my history, since that bit is taken care of for me by the sites. I get my share of curious guys, married guys, dudes with a fetish, etc. What I also get are guys who come across as complete gentlemen. They are (oddly) impressed that I’m smart and witty and tell me that those are the qualities they are looking for. The email and chat exchanges and phone calls eventually start to get more serious. These guys are seemingly looking for a girl-friend and they think I’m “the one”. Each and every one of them fails for one of more of the following reasons:
1) They mention “You look like a girl, not a guy in a dress” – I dig that people like what they like, but I USED TO LOOK LIKE A GUY IN A DRESS. That and once I’m out as trans, I get considered a guy in a frikking dress.
2) They don’t want to know anything about my past living as a guy. – I did some cool stuff as a guy, and I won’t erase part of my history to ease someone’s sense of sexual identity.
3) They expect me to be stealth. – I’m openly Trans, no shame, no regrets. While I have no interest in being the Tranny spokes-model, I won’t lie or edit.
4) They throw in words like “Dirty Secret” or “My friends won’t know what you are hiding”. It’s like the one above, but has a really creepy sexual vibe. This normally comes out like “You’ll be my dirty little secret. I can’t wait to have my friends see you and how pretty you are. They’ll have no idea that when we get home I’ll be playing with your _________”. ICKY!!!!
I know that I get treated so much better by the guys out there than some of my sisters. While I have gotten called a “fag with tits” more than I can count when I turn a guy down, guys usually go the extra mile to treat me well while wooing me. I have started editing my profiles to remove face pics because I really want to be sure that guys are liking the strong, semi-independent, silly, nerdy, uptight, cranky, smart, funny chyck that I have become. Not a face that looks like a “beautiful ‘normal’ girl with something extra” (as a number of my emails tend to start off).
Laugh RioT 
I found this to be very interesting. I would like to address of a couple of your comments from my perspective.
If I had a transgirlfriend I would be a lot more comfortable if she told my friends that she is trans. I don’t want her to be a secret and I don’t want her to be stealth. I feel it would be better for both of us if my friends, family, and acquaintances knew. I would want her to pick the time to tell everyone. I feel that it is not my place to give out this information. I think that if I told anyone she is trans that it would be like outing her and could quite possibly make her uncomfortable or at worst cause a rift in our relationship.
I would be happy to hear whatever my transgirlfriend wanted to tell me about any aspect of her life. I would like her tell me, but at her own pace rather than me questioning her and pumping her for details.
Dating sucks.
Yeah, dating stinks on ice.
Jim – I’d have to say you are a rare guy and hardly typical.
Wow, what girl doesn’t jump at the chance to be a “dirty secret”??? Christ.
Yeah, I know… that mix of angst, shame and self-loathing makes a girl all hot-n-bothered right?
See for me, getting asked about drinks at the bar is usually grounds to say “no” and “fuck off”. But I tend to not like dating folk I don’t already know to some degree beforehand. I date within a friend pool.
I’m way to “nice” to do that. I know that it takes some gumption to talk to a stranger, so I feel like I need to reward that with my attention. I wouldn’t feel good about dismissing guys straight away. *shrug*
I’m not exactly in the same place as you
I’m very outspoken & out within any trans thing
But in the rest of the world, I’m deep stealth.
My man [now dating for 9 months] knew before, as we met on a trans site, on a social basis, talking about HiFi & conspiracy theories of all things.
We then became real-world friends, then a few months later we started dating.
He is in my life, over in the uk (he lives abroad) & knows many of my friends & my parents love him.
Over at his place its deep stealth, mainly at my insistence.
I’ve met all his friends & business & political contacts, & they don’t know.
This is almost as important to him as it is to me.
If I didn’t pass as well, we would still date but the dynamic would be different…I would be pretty well hidden in his life.
Now that seems to be similar to your point about being a secret…but I accept it
as I’m as insisting he tells no one about my history, which means its me making this secrecy a big deal & essential.
I think there are two things I would say.
1. What do you look like? (ie photo)>>>for your dating profiles.
Its important & why not, visual cues are what we are all programmed with, so use it.
2. This is not a first date thing to say as there may well be no second date anyway,
for reasons unconnected to your trans status…but you will never know
But you will probably put the no second date down to you “telling them”
Plus, the fewer people who “know that thing” about you, the better, for an easier life.
Save this for the 3rd date
before any bedroom stuff
but after he’s paid the dinner bill.
“There is something I should tell you.
Now you will be ok or not ok about this
but the thing to remember, either way, is that you are into me only because you are into women.
The thing is, that I was not raised as a girl.
I’m going to the loo; if you are still here when I get back we can chat & I’ll answer any questions you may have.”
Anyway, thats my thought on this dating thing.
Misha-
I spent 5 of 7 years in a relations DEEPLY stealth with my guy’s friends/co-workers/family (the first two years of transition I was not part of *his* life). You know faked history, constant monitoring of everything I did and said, being afraid to be seen in public with other trans women who didn’t “pass” as well.
Today I’m generally stealth because it doesn’t come up often. However, I would never give a guy I’m dating that level of control over my life again. If my status is important to a conversation, I don’t want to have to bite my tongue. If a person who knew me before transition shows up, I don’t want to have to avoid them. If I want to have lunch with one of the less “passing” gals I know, I don’t want that to be an issue.
– I want to note that I absolutely HATE the term “passing”.
I understand life being easier and issues of safety. I also have no issue with women living stealth. I don’t think it’s politically a good move, but personally (and more importantly) it can make simply living possible. So, your personal level of “outness” isn’t a problem (or anyone for that matter) or situational stealth or whatever. My issue is when guys 1) demand that I lie or omit 2) Eroticize me as a “dirty secret” – it just feels creepy to me hearing “My friends don’t know what you have”.
I think you know what I look like from TransLadyBoy. I only use a couple pics online after getting burned by some pic collectors.
The thing is I hate having that conversation. I don’t think there is ever a good or safe time or place to have it. I either avoid it completely or just get it out of the way. Since I don’t go out without friends, it feels safer to go that route than wait for a one-on-one date where my guard may be down.
I have no issues whether a girl wants to live stealth or not….
“’There is something I should tell you. Now you will be ok or not ok about this but the thing to remember, either way, is that you are into me only because you are into women. The thing is, that I was not raised as a girl.'”
@misha: That’s a really beautiful way to express that, although of course the burden to have to say it at all is entirely unfair.
@laughriotgirl: The comments you’ve gotten from potential dates (“not a guy in a dress”, “your dirty secret…” Etc) are appalling. The people who said those things have no business dating anyone till they work on being able to treat people as subjects not objects.