It Started as an Innocent Date
The topic of violence has come up lately far to often. Every time it comes up, I think about this. Given my recent conversation with Mr. Gallon, I think that this is the proper time to disclose the tale of my first instance of intimate partner violence. This took me hours to write and process and in the end I feel like shit. Partly because I lived it and it hurts to remember. Partly because I didn’t pressure the police to investigate the case, and just let it go. For all I know this guy – whose real name I’ll never know – could be doing to other women what he did to me. particularly trans women.
I mention that he was a member to a few trans porn sites because Mr. Gallon is under the impression that trans women are killed, beat, raped by men who don’t know about trans women (and wouldn’t be members of a trans porn site) . The thought is that it is pimps and other trans women and guys who don’t know that the gals are trans who do the killing. The last, I take as particularly false and repeating this only lends validity to the often successful trans panic defense. Below the fold is potentially triggering violence
I was in an open relationship with my first serious BF. We had an open relationship for a number of reasons, but a big one was that he traveled all over the world for extended periods of time for work. The other reason was that he figured, and I came to agree, that I should be free to explore my budding sexuality as a woman. It was during one of these month-long trips that I met a guy and we decided to go out.
He seemed pretty cool, he was funny and had a quirky sense of humor. We agreed to meet for coffee and a chat. It was nice, he was nice, we had a good time. We talked about me being a trans woman, we talked about how he decided he liked trans women. He said he stumbled on some pictures on the Internet one day and “was hooked”. He joined a “site or two” and decided he just needed to have that itch scratched. He was, after all, curious and had been “wanting to try it for ever”. After some weirdness with me assuring him that I was not going to charge him, we agreed to meet in a couple days.
We met again and had a couple drinks. Conversation got a little more flirtatious and we ended up at my place. We worked through his awkward nervousness and I was patient and gentle leading him around my body. I knew he had built up some expectations and I did like him. So, I let my guard down a little and let him do things I am not usually comfortable doing – he seemed so eager and pleased at the prospect. Then he came.
<That Look>… that damn look. He glanced at me and looked away, he turned back and his expression was hard and angry, but I’ll always remember his eyes, cold and a little sad. He turned around and shook silently. I felt horrible and guilty and put on some sweats and a top and went to him to offer some understanding and comfort. I got a few steps away from him and he back-handed me across the mouth. I fell on the floor with my lip busted open. I stood up and turned around trying to get as far away as I could. The only thing I remember is a jerk (as I later found out he grabbed my top and pants and pulled my back) and a feeling of motion. He grabbed me and lifted me up dropping me head first on the floor…
I woke with my neighbor inches away from my face with a stinging in my left arm. Her hand was lightly pressed on my chest and the slight pressure caused so much agony. I asked her to back up so I could twist my arm out from under my back. I noticed that I was laying in blood.
The police and paramedics were called. My collar bone was broken, my arm twisted behind me. My head was split open from the impact. My stomach and penis had been kicked. This last I don’t remember at all, but the bruising led me to believe this was the case. When the paramedics and police arrived, I was further victimized when the paramedics refused to touch me after I told the cops what happened. But that’s a tale for another post.
My attacker was never found, and I was too freaked out to really press it. He was not the last sexual partner to beat me after realizing his fantasy. He was, however, the first and the face – the eyes I will never be able to forget.
Laugh RioT 
I’m sorry to hear that Ms. B. I truly am.
My heart aches so very much for you and for any transwoman that has gone through this. I do not understand why any man would hurt a woman, let alone a woman with whom he has been intimate. I find the actions of any man that would do that to be reprehensible. These men should be caught and punished so that they cannot inflict themselves on another woman.
What I find just as reprehensible is the attitude of the cops and paramedics. Did the paramedics forget that part of their Hippocratic Oath which states in part “I WILL FOLLOW that method of treatment which according to my ability and judgment, I consider for the benefit of my patient and abstain from whatever is harmful or mischievous.”
I do wish you had put pressure on the police to solve this, although I can understand your reasons for not pursuing this.
I do now more fully understand why a transwoman would have a mistrust of any man that she does not know. Your report on this crime serves to highlight why more needs to be done to protect transwomen and to educate the general public as well as those responsible for protecting us. It also shows how law enforcement and medical staff are sometimes complicit in minimizing these crimes and letting the criminals get away with their actions. In the end society loses and we are all diminished because of this.
Thanks guys. I didn’t put this here for sympathy or any of that. I put it here as reference so that when I talk about violence against women, I’m speaking from a specific perspective.
Jim- you are right, I do have trouble trusting men and I am very cynical. Unfortunately, I don’t have many examples of trans women having anything but complicated/difficult/painful relationships with men (beyond the complication/difficulty/pain in having any relationship). There are some, but most trams women I know with functioning relationships seem to be lesbian – either cis- or trans- women.
I know. It just very sad to hear about such things. It is one of those things where you want to do something but are helpless,underequipped or discredited when you do so.
I appreciate this *hugs*
I was just wondering, that since you had such poor luck dating men whether you have any interest in a lesbian relationship? Certainly, it is nice to have a loving relationship with somebody.
Hey Gus
I think being a lesbian is about loving/being physically attracted to women, not having crappy times with men.
Wow. What a horrible experience. -_- And people wonder why I’m terrified of guys. I associate them with nothing so much as sudden, unexpected violence. Rightly or wrongly, I can’t help but see guys as slaves to their instincts and passions, except for the handful who manage to rise above that.
The way the paramedics and the police reacted though was inexcusable. That just leaves me shaking with rage. ò_ó
Mina.
Your account is so vivid it’s as I was with you during the attack. I have had so many guys tell me they like me, so I put them to the first test. They have to be comfortable with me in a public place. Like you did but I guess I’ve been lucky, but given time….
I was beaten so bad once. I was very young and working the streets. After I regained consciousness I could not understand why the targeted my hair and genitails so viciously.
25 years latter I hesitate even talking to men.
A little bird once said: It’s sad how society shames those who are true to themselves and then gets pissed when stood up to. This epitomizes the definition of case in point.
I understand this happened a ways back, never the less, I am sorry to hear of your plight.
Stay strong!
am very sad to know this, no one should go through such bad event in life. ya people, just watch out for any such bastards. try to be self defensive.
I’m a paramedic and I’ve taken care of transgender girls/TS girls after abuse. Although I’m not at all part of their world it had never crossed my mind that colleagues of mine could be unprofessional in that situation. I’d like to think you just had an very unusual experience.